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TOP TEN ALTERNATIVE CAREER OPTIONS FOR INDONESIAN FOOTBALL PLAYERS

December 30, 2010

It has been an exciting few weeks for yours truly. So much so that this blog has been left alone to gather moss and cobwebs..will blog more about the other exciting stuff that has happened later, but first things first.. today I just witnessed an extremely joyous and momentous occasion; my dear darling country intan payung tanah tumpah darahku has won its first ever AFF Suzuki Cup! Yeah! Congratulations to Harimau Malaya! Finally we are South East Asia’s football champion again after 14 years! Woot Woot! World Cup 2014 here we come!

Ok! Ok! I know what you are thinking… “Whoa! Hold on to your horses there repulsive! There’s still a lonngg way to go before we stop being the good old typical Jaguh Kampung get there!!” but well.. the excitement of today’s victory, coupled with the amazing game that the team played and the solid run that Malaysia has had during the tournament has restored the faith of all Malaysians that hey..maybe there is still hope for Malaysian politics football afterall.

I for one have never been a fan of football and suffice to say I don’t know much about the technical aspects of the game. The notion of watching 22 scantily clad men running around after one freaking ball has never made any sense to me. But having said that, I remember a time as a very young kid when we all used to gather as families in front of the TV to watch the Piala Malaysia finals or any other international matches featuring Malaysia.  We would get so excited because it was Malaysia or our state in the finals and we would want them to win! Such amazing childhood memories really. Alas..those memories died somewhere in the mid 90s with the great game that our team used to play..and I have never cared much about our football since..till this year that is… so lets just hope that this is not a one off fluke but it is instead a definite start to the long journey of recovery.

Anyway, all nationalistic pride aside, the whole point of this entry is to provide the players on the losing team.. aka Garuda Indonesia with some tips and advice on alternative employment opportunities. Given the fact that this is their fourth losing match in the AFF Suzuki Cup Final and that tonight of all nights they lost to the underdog whom they trashed 5-1 in the prelims.. one can’t be blamed for concluding that they must not be very good at their current jobs as football players and may perhaps need a new one.

Therefore as a kind and considerate neighbour on this side of the Malacca Straits, I feel compelled to offer them some unsolicited advice on the kind of jobs that they should look into post football career. Who knows?? Perhaps this one they could become good at! :)

1) Street vendors on the corners of Central Market, Chow Kit and Petaling Street, selling plastic toys, those bubble blowers and laser toy guns among others.

2) My next door neigbour’s gardener. Since they are not very good at attacking and defending on the field, perhaps they would be better at landscaping them instead? Hmm..

3) Football coaches at primary school and kindergarten football leagues. 

4) Tukang bancuh sirap/ waterboys at regional football matches. 

5) Move to America and become cowboys. They might have better luck chasing after cows instead of balls.

6) Actors in Indonesian soaps. Given the number of buat buat jatuh  fall downs and dramatic roll arounds in supposed agonising pain at the slightest tackle by the Malaysian players,  it is safe to presume that the Indonesian players will do well on these primetime Indonesian soaps as they have already perfected the art of overacting usually required for these kind of shows.

7) Personal trainers to Indonesian female celebrities. If for no other reason than the fact that during the game the camera crew was smart enough to keep panning out to the hot Indonesian chicks/ celebs in the stands, thereby indicating that there exist a big potential market in this area.

8) Pet food taster. There is no clear reason for this nor does this have anything to do with the Indonesian players and their ball kicking skills.. I just think that this is a super cool job.

9) Reality TV Stars / Professional usesless Celebrities a la the Kardashians. Given the Indonesian supporters vociferous need for creating controversy as apparent by the recent buzz on the Twitterverse coupled with the team’s penchant for drama, the players can definitely have a successful reality show that can give Kim and her whole talentless, slutty  jingbang a run for their money.  Keeping Up with the Garudas ..anyone?

10) Bomoh Indon @ shamans @ individuals who dabble in witchcraft. Since the current set of bomohs have failed in their jampi serapah / spells to help the players pull an upset in the second leg of the finals, perhaps its time to replace the current set of  bomohs with a team who are more well versed in the matters of the darkside, and who better to do this than the players themselves. :)  

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TOP TEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO CRASH AND BURN

December 12, 2010

I used to be a huge fan of resolutions! There was always something exhilaratingly empowering about taking charge of your life, setting targets and putting in the efforts to achieve them.

In 1997 I made a resolution to get straight A’s in my PMR exams and requested that my parents give me an all-expenses paid trip to the UK to visit my cousins. God thought it would be fun to give me 1A short of that target. In university, every year from 2000-2006, I made a resolution to get Dean’s List in every semester but that too did not happen as I spent more time educating myself in clubs and movie theatres instead of lecture halls and libraries. In 2009, one of my resolutions included, dating a rockstar. Alas, I ended up dating and breaking up with a tone-deaf loser whose only musical connection was when my bestfriend had a whimsical dream of him basking in Damansara Uptown.

Indeed, life experiences have made me shy away from making resolutions as I have never had the discipline to carry through with them. And when I did in fact try, there were extenuating circumstances that would prevent me from achieving them. But hey ‘C’est la vie! Non?’

As 2010 comes to a close, I find myself once again thinking about resolutions and targets etc. This time around, instead of focusing on losing that three layers of belly fat that seemed to have magically appeared out of no where creating and executing my own resolutions, I have decided to compile a list of things you should not be ‘resolute’ about as they are bound to crash and burn, sooner than you can say “Oh..I am still so hungover from that New Year’s Party!!”

Enjoy!

1) Write beautiful, thought provoking poetry in French when the only French words you know are Oui, Non and Gracias. :P

2) Get married in style and elegance without having the whole mami jarum clan meddle in all aspects of the preparations… when you are an anak mami from Penang.

3) Learn how to cook :P (ok this one applies solely to yours truly)

4) Start going to the gym more often just so that you can catch the attention of your brother’s cute friend who happens to be a health and fitness freak.

5) Release a Billboard Number One pop album when you are an Akademi Fantasia alum tone-deaf and rhythmically-challenged.

6) Quit your job, move to the country side and change your name to Mak Jah, in the hopes of enjoying a calmer quieter life.

7) Pay for Be awarded with a Datukship (like : knighthood) based on the merits of your contributions to society when to the society itself, the biggest contribution you could ever make is to live in solitary confinement or disappear from the face of the Earth.

8 ) Abstain from sex Facebook.

9) Reduce the amount of time spent having sex on Facebook.

10) Tone down your sarcasm and razor sharp wit in your incessant vents and ramblings when you happen to be a menopausal woman. :)

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REVIEW : THE WARRIOR’S WAY

December 12, 2010

You know it’s NOT going be a great cinematic experience when 1) your only introduction to the movie was remembering vaguely that you passed by a billboard with the said movie’s poster while driving somewhere and 2) you had to ask your friend who bought the tickets “What’s the title of this movie again? ” as you were walking into the theatre.

Usually in my reviews, I do my best to sum up the plot before going deeper into the pros and cons of the movie. Unfortunately for this one, I am not so sure what the plot is. In fact I don’t even have a blinking clue as to what the whole point of this movie is. Or why we bothered to organise an outing just to watch it. But I shall try my best, so here goes….

The Warrior’s Way is Sngmoo Lee’s playwright and directorial debut. It tells the story of a Warrior-assassin named Yang and the adventures he had in his journey. In the opening scene, Yang was seen fighting members of another warrior-assassin clan. In the end, Yang won the fight against the strongest warrior from the other side and claimed the title of being the strongest, for himself. During this part, the fight scene was paused and a caption appeared on screen, verbatim to the earlier narration, something to the tune of “The Strongest Warrior Who Ever Lived” . At this moment one would be left baffled and thinking 1)” Was that a joke?” and 2) “Seriously..was that a joke?”

Amidst the uncomfortable and somewhat confused laughter emanating throughout the cinema, Yang discovered that the previous Strongest Warrior Who Ever Lived (which Yang now is) had left behind a baby daughter who he was supposed to kill in order to completely wipe out the clan. However because the director said so, so that there would actually be some semblance of  a storyline after slashing a lot of people mercilessly, he suddenly discovered that he did in fact have a heart and couldn’t bear the idea of killing a child. Therefore, he took the baby with him and set off on a journey to get away from his own clan as they now considered him a traitor for refusing to kill the last remaining member of the other clan.

I am not really sure which exact period this movie was set in but someone must have told Yang that America is the Land of the Free (and what better place to go to when you are a wanted fugitive?!) cause he and the baby eventually ended up in a small run-down cowboy town called Lowe, occupied by what seemed like a rag-tag band of circus travelers, (which is rather strange as I would’ve thought that a traveling circus would be doing just that, instead of being so settled in a community that cobwebs were growing out of their ears.)

In Lode he was welcomed with open arms (surprising considering blacks were slaves, and the red indians were being massacred back in the 1800’s..but hey, oriental dude.. come on in! :P) and set about trying to start a new quieter life as the town laundryman.  Eventually his old clan found him and at the same time a gang of cowboy bandits invaded Lode and terrorized all the people there, causing them to fight back. What ensued was a battle of all ages (or so they would try to make you believe).. with Ninjas dressed in conical farmer’s hats fighting dirty ugly toothless bandits and a mishmash of circus freaks. During this flabbergasting epic clash, the only thing you would somewhat get is that Yang and freaky circus people are the good guys. The rest, don’t even bother trying to figure it out. In the end, all the bad (and as in most war/ battle movies, good) people died and Yang realised that he could never settle down to a normal life. So he left the baby with the townfolks and set off on another journey.

Geez, what do you know? I managed to extract some semblance of a story after all (albeit a shallow and nonsensical one at that). Anyways, lets start with the plot and storyline. It did not make any sense at all..I am quite sure that this was supposed to be a lighthearted tongue-in-cheek movie not to be taken seriously, but the trouble with attempting this is that it either flies brilliantly or falls flat on the producers’ faces. The Warrior’s Way falls into the latter. The way the story moved didn’t make the idea of a Samurai warrior ending up in a cowboy town even remotely plausible. You can’t decide whether some parts are supposed to be funny, or they were unintentionally funny as a result of poor execution. The parts that were supposed to be jokes just fell flat, whilst the parts that were supposed to be serious just came across as ridiculous and melodramatic (case in point : the final battle between Yang and the master of his old clan The Sad Flute where the latter fell to his death and uttered a statement clearly and coherently in spite of having had his jugular vein slashed).  The only notable mention is the subplot where the heroine (who happened to be the only semi hygienic bang-worthy chick in the entire town) tried and succeeded in avenging the death of her family at the hands of the leader of the bandit many years back.

 

Jang Dong Gun as Yang is as wooden as they come. I know most heroes in these kind of movies are supposed to be calm, quiet, reserved and brooding killing machines but honestly he took it to an entirely different level. So much so that next to him, Jason Statham’s performance in the Transporter franchise would be considered Oscar-worthy. Oh well, at least he was hot! :P Whatever was lacking in Don Gun’s acting, Kate Bosworth as Lynne more than made up for through her overacting.  Geez, in the past I’ve always associated overacting with Latin soaps and Malay jiwang karat movies, never would I have imagined that a Hollywood actress could also be prone to this disease, particularly one like Kate Bosworth who I did have some semblance of respect for. Even her Southern accent will make you want to cringe. And as each other’s love interest in the movie, both exude as much chemistry as dry wall paint and the lizard that crap on it. :P

The only saving grace was Geoffrey Rush as the drunkard Ron. Though useless and annoying at first, he later turned out to be a a hero of sorts who played a big part in saving Lode during the war. For all of the flimsiness  of this movie, he did lend his character some depth and credibility. Especially when we learn of his sad and tragic past which led him to become a drunk in the first place. I just wished that they had given him more scenes!!

As far as the special effects go, once again, I wasn’t a fan. Probably because I prefer my battle scenes to look like those from Braveheart and Gladiator and not like they are from 300 or Clash of the Titans. Perhaps the overly done CGI effects were intentional to give the movie a somewhat unique video-gamish feel. In most scenes, you will see swords slaying, body parts flying and bright red blood spraying in slow mo as the hero stands sullenly amidst the chaos! Whilst some may find the vivid play of colours mesmerising, for me it just add a surreal quality to an already increadulous movie.

Overall I can just say this, if you are a fan of cowboy movies..you should give this one a miss. If you are a fan of Kungfu/ Samurai/ Ninja movies.. you should give this one a miss. If you are a fan of  both..you should also give this one a miss.. cause as evidenced by The Warrior’s Way, whilst cowboy movies and samurai movies are amazing theatrical experiences on their own, putting them together is neither entertaining nor cinematically pragmatic.

To quote one of my good friends who watched this with me… “The best thing about this movie is the super cute baby!”

- The End-

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FAITH

December 3, 2010

I will be blissfully happy
But not today

I will be a tower of strength
But not today

I will be cherished and loved
But not today

I will be accepted..not judged
But not today

I will be rich in values and wealth
But not today

I will travel the world and embrace its fragrances
But not today

I will have hope, dreams and ambition
But not today

I will learn to love and believe
But not today

I will be free of bitterness and anguish
But not today

I will be whole again…
Somehow..Someday…
But not today…

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TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN APPLYING FOR A JOB

November 30, 2010

Part of my responsibilities at work include managing the general emails that we receive via the website. While the whole purpose of doing this is to manage and answer all inquiries posted about our services, we have also had to entertain a lot of job applications via the same email (In case you are wondering.. no.. I’m not in Human Resources . Do I look overweight and uptight people-friendly to you? :P). Since I have to suffer the headache of sifting through tons of these kind of applications that continuously flood my inbox, I figured, I might as well share with you some common rules on what NOT to do when applying for a job via email. This way maybe you can spare me the emotional trauma and psychological suffering by not doing any of these things when applying for a job at the greatest happiest place on earth a.k.a the place where I work. Enjoy! :)

  1. Send an email with the attachment “resumeaku.doc” (myresume.doc) as the file name – Whilst we understand your need to emphasise the fact that it is in fact YOUR resume and not your grandma’s, neighbour’s daughter’s or that hawt stranger you often bump into whilst waiting for the bus’s, anybody else’s, this is actually just TRYING TO HARD. In fact it could backfire and cause us to think that you may actually have something to hide.
  2. Send an email with the attachment “PERFECT RESUME.doc” as the file name- Let’s not kid ourselves here. If your resume really is perfect, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
  3. Use the email drgangstazz@yahoo.com when applying for the position of Medical Officer – Indeed, we deeply understand that we all now live in a crazy cut-throat world and you may feel the need to put up this tough exterior to survive. Nevertheless, our patients may not necessarily sit well with the idea that their physician is a Doctor AND the Godfather Incarnate at the same time.
  4. Use the email hunnybaby88@gmail.com or sweetiegurl_87@hotmail.com or sexybunzz@aol.com for ANY POSITION!! - Do I even have to go into details on this one? :P
  5. Send a cover email as follows, “A’kum, attach kat sini saye punye CV. Tengs..*smiley face*” (Hiyee!! attach here is my CV. Thanks…*Smiley face*)- Okay, so your mami jarum aunty sister works in our Human Resources Department. So you feel that this is good enough to get her attention. So you think that being all informal and acting like you are our long lost friend who used to beat us up at the playground will get you the job. Whatever! Doesn’t work kid! In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if your sister from Human Resources comes back home and screams at you for this! :P
  6. Use a deep red background complete with pink flowers, tiny hearts and butterflies for your CV- Yes, we appreciate the effort. Yes, we think you are extremely creative and can have a successful career as a Singaporean Beauty Pageant Queen , an artiste. But as far as healthcare is concerned, you’re waaaayyy ahead of your time kid!
  7. Send an email with the following subject line ” APPLICATION FOR ANY KIND OF VACANCY AT YOUR PLACE/ COMPANY “ – We acknowledge the fact that we now live in an extremely trying economic times where some of you will take any job just to make ends meet. But news flash… WE ARE NOT A JOB RECRUITMENT AGENCY!! If you have no freaking idea of what it is that you wanna do with your life, chances are…we wouldn’t too! :P
  8. Send a generic and mass job application email to enquiries@companya.com.my, marketing@companyb.com, careers@companyc.com..etc..etc.. (well.. u get the picture) simultaneously – Whilst we realise that you may be applying to as many jobs as possible upon graduation, we would STILL like to think that we are special and that you are dying to work for us, ONLY us and no one else! If you really do want a job, it would be in your best interest to humour our qualms and stroke our manbits ego just a little!
  9. Send the same job application email eight times within three days!!!- Yes, we can comprehend the urgency and direness of you landing a job ASAP in order to get five pairs of that Paris Hilton sun shades and show off to your friends start being a part of the challenging yet rewarding corporate world. But no, there’s nothing wrong with our IT system. Our computers and emails are working just fine. But oh..congratulations on successfully annoying and insulting us to a point where we are not going to call you at all!
  10. Pose in a bright pink bathing suit in the swimming pool and use that as your CV picture- You may have been inspired by Elle Woods of the Legally Blonde franchise. But unfortunately for you, the people going through your application at our organisation are not deprived old men but rather overweight and overzealous middle aged single females who may take extreme offense at your flaunting your young, vibrant and excellent figure in their wrinkly pudgy faces :P
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TEN IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS…LEARNT!

November 30, 2010
  1. When someone provides you with a shoulder to cry on, be careful not to lean too hard or you may end up breaking it and not having that shoulder to turn to anymore.
  2. Even the strongest relationships and most powerful of love can fall apart at anytime..you might have just turned  away for a mere second. So always always look.
  3. Sometimes things can take a sharp turn and a drastic dive when you don’t see it coming, leaving you dumbfounded and exhausted in trying to keep up. Fear not though.. coz in due time you will catch up.
  4. Talking to God helps. More than you realise. Keeping Him in your heart prevents you from going nuts.
  5. When things are at their bleakest, the only thing that can keep you going is hope for things to go back to the way they used to be. Having this hope is fine for a while, but eventually you will have to find the strength to go on without it.
  6. Everybody can overcome hardships and heal. What would set you apart from the others is the ability to heal without an ounce of bitterness in your heart.
  7. Don’t ever let anybody tell you that regret is futile, what is done, is done. Regret is a fantastic thing. Through regret you learn to be more careful. Through regret you refrain from making the same mistakes.
  8. When someone tells you that you are beautiful..believe them. They may see you in a way you never realised.
  9. Treat people with kindness, compassion and respect. It will make your day more than theirs.
  10. Anger and hatred towards another will consume and destroy you and does nothing to the person these emotions are directed to.

If I have been able to learn all of this..then how come it still hurts?

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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE DESPERATELY HANGING ON TO YOUR BOYBAND PHASE

November 29, 2010

Recently I had the unfortunate opportunity to see the Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block performed at the American Music Awards (AMAs). If you need to ask.. no I wasn’t this über cool chick who got tickets to see the awards live. I just happened to tune in to abundant resources via the grand old idiot box. But I digress. Whilst watching the performance, I thought to myself  “OMG!! Nick Carter I love you arrggghhhhh!!!  “Geez … I can’t believe I was once a huge teenybopper fan .. and gawwdd.. they look so old!!”

Of course when I did in fact have the time to think about it, I realise that I was a big part of the boyband fandom when I was a geeky overweight awkward adolescent  in my teens and I am now a sophisticated (??) and mature career woman who is nearing the end of her twenties. Simply put.. my obsession with boybands happened a real long time ago..before the world was shocked with the events of September 11, before the advent of Facebook (the coolest thing we had back then was mIRC32…say what??!), iPhones or iPods (you could still purchase your  NKOTB albums in cassettes) and when blackberries were just tasty juicy pieces of fruits.

Having said all that, watching the performance did in fact bring back old memories of singing along to the catchy lyrics in the school bus, dancing to the rhythmic beats during school performances and just being a self absorbed  teenager with not much care in the world.

Yes reminiscing is fun and I gotta admit that those songs are still catchy and addictive years down the road. I am still hearing the catchphrase “Backstreet’s Back alright!” ringing in my ears days after the AMAs :P.  Having said that, I know many people who may have gotten too attached to the boyband era and as a result have refused to grow up and let go.

Below are some examples.

  1. You still sign your name “Joyah Carter” or “Senah Timberlake” on loan and job application forms.
  2. You don’t speak to your younger teenage sister for days coz she “chose” the Jonas brother that you like first. 
  3. You only sing Backstreet Boys and NSync songs at your company’s karaoke gatherings. 
  4. You have the birthdates of your favourite boybanders saved on your company’s Blackberry to remind you to send teddybears and flowers to their official fan club address.
  5. In clubs… you enjoy showing off your killer moves derived from the “Backstreet’s Back” video :P 
  6. You get into a heated and emotional argument with people who said that the Backstreet Boys, Boyzone and New Kids on the Block should drop the “Boy” and “Kid” monikers from their names as they are now OLD men. 
  7. You shamelessly ask for the new NKOTB album for your 29th Birthday!!
  8. You are the only one in your circle of friends who doesn’t think that Nick Carter is a pathethic mess of a has been.
  9. You start a nationwide petition asking Take That to beg Robbie William to be a part of their reunion concert and album and you succeeded.
  10. You start skipping lunch to save money for front row tickets and to look slim and superb when you found out that 911 is holding a comeback concert in Singapore.

 If you continue to exhibit any of these signs in your late 50s  well into your 20s, I would advise you to please burn your copies of Top of The Pops and Teen Beat (with that super cute JT pin up), flush all your cassettes and CDs in the toilet and get psychiatric help immediately.  

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