November 13, 2010

I’ve always considered myself a sex goddess fairly capable person who knows the Kamasutra inside out has been blessed with the opportunity to do a lot of the things she love and has enough talents to enjoy mind-blowing carnal adventures have a great career and a pretty happy and successful life.

My extensive talents (chewah!) range from conquering the SkyTrex Xtreme Challenge trail to sleeping all day, from delivering darn good presentations to feigning an interested look when receiving ridiculous instructions from my pseudo boss, from writing heartwrenching thought provoking poetry to getting into trouble for blogging about cats, from being able to look like I was extremely busy and focused while surfing random Hollywood gossip blogs at work to … well you get the picture.

Anyways, for all of my practical and discernible talents and skills however, there is one skill fundamental to the survival of mankind that I have yet to master.. and that is one of the culinary variety. Yeah you heard me.. repulsiverina can’t cook! 😛 Well.. actually that’s not exactly true.. if you consider boiling water over the stove and mixing in the packet of instant noodles and the uber delicious MSG seasoning as cooking… then hell yeah! I can in fact cook!!  I’m right up there.. next to Chef Wan…behind Nigella Lawson’s boobs . You can’t really see me though coz Chef Ismail’s voluptuous rear end is blocking the view 😛

Not being able to whip up culinary delicacies has never been a concern to me though, since my idea of a delectable cuisine can include Coco Crunch drenched in HL milk or a  tuna and cheese sandwich. Nevertheless, of late, I have been pestered by my other half (although given the proportions of our vertical and horizontal dimensions he’s more of my other 3/4 :P) to become a typical Pakistani wife from the village learn how to cook. He even went as far as saying that nothing would mean more to him than me whipping up a nice romantic dinner in nothing but an apron. my very own kitchen when he comes back to KL next. English gentleman camana skali pun kalau dah mai dari situ2, mesti kena buat drama cerita Hindustan, kalau tak, tak boleh!! Menci!!

I still think that I can get away with scheming with the mamak shop downstairs to deliver their delicious chicken curry and bryani to my house, destroying all evidence of store bought food (i.e. the styrofoam packet, the plastic bags and even the brown paper rice wrapper) and serving them as my tireless and compassionate (hmm masak pun nak kena compassionate ka.. ?) efforts.

Having said that, all this talk about wild vigorous sex cooking have gotten me thinking about recipes and the kinds you should NOT try…should you ever be crazy enough to embark on this nerve wrecking, soul defining, mind blowing endeavour…

1) Your mother in law’s (potential or otherwise), famous rendang ayam in your mother in law’s kitchen, while she’s in the living room, watching reruns of Mis Tres Hermanas.

2) Your super skinny bestfriend’s moist chocolate cake, who swore she bakes and indulges in them all the time.

3)  Your own fusion of fish curry lasagna dipped in sambal belacan and served with fajitas ..because you want to celebrate your Indian, Italian, Malay and Mexican heritage simultaneously.

4) Any recipes publicised and demonstrated by Malaysian bimbos and wannabes celebrities on local cooking shows, coz more often than not their culinary skills are proportionate to their acting and singing one.

5) That thing that smells so good, wafting in from your neighbour’s kitchen.

6) Strawberry flavoured fried chicken because you are a fan of strawberries and fried chicken and thought it would be gastronomically pragmatic to combine your two favourite food into one culinary masterpiece.

7) Your sister’s (or rather my sister’s) original spaghetti with meatballs. Firstly there’s nothing original about an anak mami from Penang cooking something Italian and secondly cooking skills (or the lack of it) runs in the blood.

8) Your crazy uncle’s beef kurma that he served to your entire family on the first day of Eid which resulted in everyone performing a very festive symphony in the bathroom on the second day of Eid.

9) Any recipe given by your cousin who claims that he was a chef.. in prison.

10) Arsenic flavoured sweet and sour fish that you had planned on serving to the aging airhead with the five-inch make up at work.


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