Archive for the ‘Crazy Careers’ Category

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TOP TEN ALTERNATIVE CAREER OPTIONS FOR INDONESIAN FOOTBALL PLAYERS

December 30, 2010

It has been an exciting few weeks for yours truly. So much so that this blog has been left alone to gather moss and cobwebs..will blog more about the other exciting stuff that has happened later, but first things first.. today I just witnessed an extremely joyous and momentous occasion; my dear darling country intan payung tanah tumpah darahku has won its first ever AFF Suzuki Cup! Yeah! Congratulations to Harimau Malaya! Finally we are South East Asia’s football champion again after 14 years! Woot Woot! World Cup 2014 here we come!

Ok! Ok! I know what you are thinking… “Whoa! Hold on to your horses there repulsive! There’s still a lonngg way to go before we stop being the good old typical Jaguh Kampung get there!!” but well.. the excitement of today’s victory, coupled with the amazing game that the team played and the solid run that Malaysia has had during the tournament has restored the faith of all Malaysians that hey..maybe there is still hope for Malaysian politics football afterall.

I for one have never been a fan of football and suffice to say I don’t know much about the technical aspects of the game. The notion of watching 22 scantily clad men running around after one freaking ball has never made any sense to me. But having said that, I remember a time as a very young kid when we all used to gather as families in front of the TV to watch the Piala Malaysia finals or any other international matches featuring Malaysia.  We would get so excited because it was Malaysia or our state in the finals and we would want them to win! Such amazing childhood memories really. Alas..those memories died somewhere in the mid 90s with the great game that our team used to play..and I have never cared much about our football since..till this year that is… so lets just hope that this is not a one off fluke but it is instead a definite start to the long journey of recovery.

Anyway, all nationalistic pride aside, the whole point of this entry is to provide the players on the losing team.. aka Garuda Indonesia with some tips and advice on alternative employment opportunities. Given the fact that this is their fourth losing match in the AFF Suzuki Cup Final and that tonight of all nights they lost to the underdog whom they trashed 5-1 in the prelims.. one can’t be blamed for concluding that they must not be very good at their current jobs as football players and may perhaps need a new one.

Therefore as a kind and considerate neighbour on this side of the Malacca Straits, I feel compelled to offer them some unsolicited advice on the kind of jobs that they should look into post football career. Who knows?? Perhaps this one they could become good at! 🙂

1) Street vendors on the corners of Central Market, Chow Kit and Petaling Street, selling plastic toys, those bubble blowers and laser toy guns among others.

2) My next door neigbour’s gardener. Since they are not very good at attacking and defending on the field, perhaps they would be better at landscaping them instead? Hmm..

3) Football coaches at primary school and kindergarten football leagues. 

4) Tukang bancuh sirap/ waterboys at regional football matches. 

5) Move to America and become cowboys. They might have better luck chasing after cows instead of balls.

6) Actors in Indonesian soaps. Given the number of buat buat jatuh  fall downs and dramatic roll arounds in supposed agonising pain at the slightest tackle by the Malaysian players,  it is safe to presume that the Indonesian players will do well on these primetime Indonesian soaps as they have already perfected the art of overacting usually required for these kind of shows.

7) Personal trainers to Indonesian female celebrities. If for no other reason than the fact that during the game the camera crew was smart enough to keep panning out to the hot Indonesian chicks/ celebs in the stands, thereby indicating that there exist a big potential market in this area.

8) Pet food taster. There is no clear reason for this nor does this have anything to do with the Indonesian players and their ball kicking skills.. I just think that this is a super cool job.

9) Reality TV Stars / Professional usesless Celebrities a la the Kardashians. Given the Indonesian supporters vociferous need for creating controversy as apparent by the recent buzz on the Twitterverse coupled with the team’s penchant for drama, the players can definitely have a successful reality show that can give Kim and her whole talentless, slutty  jingbang a run for their money.  Keeping Up with the Garudas ..anyone?

10) Bomoh Indon @ shamans @ individuals who dabble in witchcraft. Since the current set of bomohs have failed in their jampi serapah / spells to help the players pull an upset in the second leg of the finals, perhaps its time to replace the current set of  bomohs with a team who are more well versed in the matters of the darkside, and who better to do this than the players themselves. 🙂  

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TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN APPLYING FOR A JOB

November 30, 2010

Part of my responsibilities at work include managing the general emails that we receive via the website. While the whole purpose of doing this is to manage and answer all inquiries posted about our services, we have also had to entertain a lot of job applications via the same email (In case you are wondering.. no.. I’m not in Human Resources . Do I look overweight and uptight people-friendly to you? :P). Since I have to suffer the headache of sifting through tons of these kind of applications that continuously flood my inbox, I figured, I might as well share with you some common rules on what NOT to do when applying for a job via email. This way maybe you can spare me the emotional trauma and psychological suffering by not doing any of these things when applying for a job at the greatest happiest place on earth a.k.a the place where I work. Enjoy! 🙂

  1. Send an email with the attachment “resumeaku.doc” (myresume.doc) as the file name – Whilst we understand your need to emphasise the fact that it is in fact YOUR resume and not your grandma’s, neighbour’s daughter’s or that hawt stranger you often bump into whilst waiting for the bus’s, anybody else’s, this is actually just TRYING TO HARD. In fact it could backfire and cause us to think that you may actually have something to hide.
  2. Send an email with the attachment “PERFECT RESUME.doc” as the file name- Let’s not kid ourselves here. If your resume really is perfect, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
  3. Use the email drgangstazz@yahoo.com when applying for the position of Medical Officer – Indeed, we deeply understand that we all now live in a crazy cut-throat world and you may feel the need to put up this tough exterior to survive. Nevertheless, our patients may not necessarily sit well with the idea that their physician is a Doctor AND the Godfather Incarnate at the same time.
  4. Use the email hunnybaby88@gmail.com or sweetiegurl_87@hotmail.com or sexybunzz@aol.com for ANY POSITION!! – Do I even have to go into details on this one? 😛
  5. Send a cover email as follows, “A’kum, attach kat sini saye punye CV. Tengs..*smiley face*” (Hiyee!! attach here is my CV. Thanks…*Smiley face*)– Okay, so your mami jarum aunty sister works in our Human Resources Department. So you feel that this is good enough to get her attention. So you think that being all informal and acting like you are our long lost friend who used to beat us up at the playground will get you the job. Whatever! Doesn’t work kid! In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if your sister from Human Resources comes back home and screams at you for this! 😛
  6. Use a deep red background complete with pink flowers, tiny hearts and butterflies for your CV- Yes, we appreciate the effort. Yes, we think you are extremely creative and can have a successful career as a Singaporean Beauty Pageant Queen , an artiste. But as far as healthcare is concerned, you’re waaaayyy ahead of your time kid!
  7. Send an email with the following subject line ” APPLICATION FOR ANY KIND OF VACANCY AT YOUR PLACE/ COMPANY “ – We acknowledge the fact that we now live in an extremely trying economic times where some of you will take any job just to make ends meet. But news flash… WE ARE NOT A JOB RECRUITMENT AGENCY!! If you have no freaking idea of what it is that you wanna do with your life, chances are…we wouldn’t too! 😛
  8. Send a generic and mass job application email to enquiries@companya.com.my, marketing@companyb.com, careers@companyc.com..etc..etc.. (well.. u get the picture) simultaneously – Whilst we realise that you may be applying to as many jobs as possible upon graduation, we would STILL like to think that we are special and that you are dying to work for us, ONLY us and no one else! If you really do want a job, it would be in your best interest to humour our qualms and stroke our manbits ego just a little!
  9. Send the same job application email eight times within three days!!!– Yes, we can comprehend the urgency and direness of you landing a job ASAP in order to get five pairs of that Paris Hilton sun shades and show off to your friends start being a part of the challenging yet rewarding corporate world. But no, there’s nothing wrong with our IT system. Our computers and emails are working just fine. But oh..congratulations on successfully annoying and insulting us to a point where we are not going to call you at all!
  10. Pose in a bright pink bathing suit in the swimming pool and use that as your CV picture- You may have been inspired by Elle Woods of the Legally Blonde franchise. But unfortunately for you, the people going through your application at our organisation are not deprived old men but rather overweight and overzealous middle aged single females who may take extreme offense at your flaunting your young, vibrant and excellent figure in their wrinkly pudgy faces 😛
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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE BEEN SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME AT THE OFFICE

November 29, 2010

For those of you who know me well, you will definitely know that I work extremely long hours. I can’t complain though since it’s not like I have a life anyways coz the pay is pretty decent. And I am sure that I am not the only one in this crazy world to do so though. However, some of you may not realise that you too may have been overworked and underpaid . Now, being the “expert” in this arena, allow me to share some tell-tale signs on whether you have been spending waayyy too much time at the office…like me. Maybe someday we can all sit down over coffee and bitch about our crazy bosses share our challenging career experiences 🙂

  1. The first time you leave office when there is still daylight..you missed your car at its designated parking lot as you can’t remember what it looks like under the sun
     
  2. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? Hah! Not only do you know what it means.. your face is right next to the definition in the American Medical Journal
     
  3. You call the McD delivery hotline, recognise the operator’s voice and ask about his kids
  4. Likewise, the McD delivery hotline operator picks up the phone, recognises your voice and rattles off your “Big Mac extra cheese, no pickle, lots of ketchup and strawberry milkshake” order before you can even say ” I would like  a….” 
  5. You answer your mobile phone with “XYZ communications..(*insert company name here) how may I assist you?” 
  6. The last time you saw your wife..she WAS STILL pregnant
     
  7. You have a spare set of towels, clothes and toiletries in the house in case you have to stay back at home
     
  8. You have paperclips, post- it-notes, and a stapler in your handbag instead of lipstick, foundation and perfume
  9. You spend alot of time chilling, pouring your heart out and sharing your deepest most intimate secrets with your best friend… the tea lady!!! 
  10. Whilst trying to leave on time for once, the boss looked at you, looked at his watch, did a double take and say “Hmm.. on half day aren’t we?”
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TOP TEN JOB INTERVIEW Q & A DON’TS

November 18, 2010

1. SCENARIO 1

  • Interviewer : Hello.. good afternoon. Okay Ms Repulsive, why don’t you start by telling us a little bit about your self
  • You : My name is repulsiverina but you can call me Baby or Darling coz that’s what my mom calls me. Oh..you can also call me Bootylicious coz that’s what my boyfriend calls me coz hey! Take a load of this junk in my trunk! (*stands up and turns around to demonstrate)

2. SCENARIO 2

  • Interviewer : Why should we hire you?
  • You : Well… let’s see, I am smart, driven, compassionate, possess strong work ethics, able to meet crazy deadlines and oh..if you don’t hire me, I may just be forced to kill you!  

3. SCENARIO 3

  • Interviewer : So.. why did you leave your last job?
  • You : (*Looks around conspiciously, turns and softly whispers*) Don’t tell anyone but my former boss is an alien from Planet Zirgon who has been sent down to Earth to spy on us before his entire race come over and invade our planet. I caught on to his dirty little secret and I swear to God I’ll expose him to the world when the time comes!!  

4. SCENARIO 4

  • Interviewer : What was the biggest challenge you have ever had to face in your career?
  • You : I once had to convince the President of my former company that I was just looking for my fallen contacts..when he barged into the VP’s room whilst I was kneeling on the floor…under the table..with my VP’s belt buckle in my mouth…

5. SCENARIO 5

  • Interviewer : What are the special skills you possess that will make you excel at this job?
  • You : Umm..its not listed in my resume.. but if you lock the door and draw the blinds..I can show you…

6. SCENARIO 6

  • Interviewer : So..tell us..what are your long term career aspirations?
  • You : Career. asspp..asspp what? I’m just here to meet the hot men in your brochures!

7. SCENARIO 7

  • Interviewer : What are your expectations from this position?
  • You : I expect to be able to save enough money to purchase an electric guitar, start a band, join battle of the band, win the battle, get a record deal, release an album and go on a worldwide tour.

8. SCENARIO 8

  • Interviewer : Tell us about your academic and professional qualifications …
  • You : Hah! I think education is overrated! But does being a professional female mud wrestler count?

9. SCENARIO 9

  • Interviewer : Have you ever held a leadership role in any organisation?
  • You : Yes. I am currently spearheading a notorious criminal empire on Mafia Wars. 

10. SCENARIO 10

  • Interviewer : Do you have any questions?
  • You : Yes. Are you going to eat that (*points to half eaten sandwich on interviewer’s table)

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TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE DO AT WORK THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE WHATSOEVER

November 14, 2010

In about 5 months, I will be celebrating my two-year anniversary of working at my current workplace (a certain tropical-themed medical centre that shall not be named!). Woot! Woot! This is definitely the longest place I’ve stayed at since leaving my first job in 2007. So yeah.. one may conclude that the reason for such a lengthy stay can be attributed to the massive amounts of bonus career advancement opportunities and job satisfaction that I am receiving here (no.. it has nothing to do with the fact that I only spend seven minutes traveling from home to work every morning and can come to work at anytime I want and blame it on external morning meetings).

Regardless of where I work and which industry I am in, in my almost five years as a paper-pushing corporate slave sophisticated career woman, I’ve noticed that underneath that calm, rational, professional and driven persona that every corporate big wig exudes, there lies a deep rooted emptiness and psychological imbalance that have driven them to embark on certain endeavours that can be utterly and completely incomprehensible to the ordinary minds…
 
1. Adorn the event registration table with a porcelain duck, potted plants and soft lights for a cozy effect during a Fund Managers Briefing in the hope of enticing bigger investments from current and potential investors.

2. Speaks English with a fake “mat saleh” accent that’s either faux American, faux British, faux Australian or faux Scottish-Polish-Austrian or (at times) a combination of all of the above.

3. Send the biggest bumbling idiot with no oral or articulation skills whatsoever to spearhead a very important sales pitch/ business presentation.

4. Spends the company’s entire resources to attend to a visiting/ admitted royalty whose entire existence and being (including the expenses incurred at your organisation) is funded by the tax payers money when your company is in fact one of the nation’s biggest tax payers.

5. Bans access to all fun and informative social networking sites and adds layers upon layers of bureaucracy for any kind of technological upgrade within the organisation but in the next breath starts spouting the mantra ‘the internet is part of the dawn of the new age in marketing revolution and we should strive to utilise every possible internet site and networking tool possible’.

6. Rear fishes in a mini aquarium at your cubicle and start naming them after your colleagues! (No..it’s not appropriate to name your gold fish Rina just because it has a pair of huge protruding eyes!!.)

7. Maintain a jungle of potted plants in your office and talk to them every morning (so that they can grow up strong and healthy).

8. Lead a CORPORATE tour of Vietnamese delegates to your organisation, whilst dressed up in traditional Vietnamese hooker-like garb outfit. (What are you? Tourism Malaysia?)

9. Pretend to always be busy texting and emailing on a Blackberry with a perpetual deep frown, in the hope of making you seemed more important than you actually are.

10. Blog about the crazy things people do at work, at work, when you have a very important report due in 30 minutes. 😛