TOP TEN ALTERNATIVE CAREER OPTIONS FOR INDONESIAN FOOTBALL PLAYERS

It has been an exciting few weeks for yours truly. So much so that this blog has been left alone to gather moss and cobwebs..will blog more about the other exciting stuff that has happened later, but first things first.. today I just witnessed an extremely joyous and momentous occasion; my dear darling country intan payung tanah tumpah darahku has won its first ever AFF Suzuki Cup! Yeah! Congratulations to Harimau Malaya! Finally we are South East Asia’s football champion again after 14 years! Woot Woot! World Cup 2014 here we come!

Ok! Ok! I know what you are thinking… “Whoa! Hold on to your horses there repulsive! There’s still a lonngg way to go before we stop being the good old typical Jaguh Kampung get there!!” but well.. the excitement of today’s victory, coupled with the amazing game that the team played and the solid run that Malaysia has had during the tournament has restored the faith of all Malaysians that hey..maybe there is still hope for Malaysian politics football afterall.

I for one have never been a fan of football and suffice to say I don’t know much about the technical aspects of the game. The notion of watching 22 scantily clad men running around after one freaking ball has never made any sense to me. But having said that, I remember a time as a very young kid when we all used to gather as families in front of the TV to watch the Piala Malaysia finals or any other international matches featuring Malaysia.  We would get so excited because it was Malaysia or our state in the finals and we would want them to win! Such amazing childhood memories really. Alas..those memories died somewhere in the mid 90s with the great game that our team used to play..and I have never cared much about our football since..till this year that is… so lets just hope that this is not a one off fluke but it is instead a definite start to the long journey of recovery.

Anyway, all nationalistic pride aside, the whole point of this entry is to provide the players on the losing team.. aka Garuda Indonesia with some tips and advice on alternative employment opportunities. Given the fact that this is their fourth losing match in the AFF Suzuki Cup Final and that tonight of all nights they lost to the underdog whom they trashed 5-1 in the prelims.. one can’t be blamed for concluding that they must not be very good at their current jobs as football players and may perhaps need a new one.

Therefore as a kind and considerate neighbour on this side of the Malacca Straits, I feel compelled to offer them some unsolicited advice on the kind of jobs that they should look into post football career. Who knows?? Perhaps this one they could become good at! 🙂

1) Street vendors on the corners of Central Market, Chow Kit and Petaling Street, selling plastic toys, those bubble blowers and laser toy guns among others.

2) My next door neigbour’s gardener. Since they are not very good at attacking and defending on the field, perhaps they would be better at landscaping them instead? Hmm..

3) Football coaches at primary school and kindergarten football leagues. 

4) Tukang bancuh sirap/ waterboys at regional football matches. 

5) Move to America and become cowboys. They might have better luck chasing after cows instead of balls.

6) Actors in Indonesian soaps. Given the number of buat buat jatuh  fall downs and dramatic roll arounds in supposed agonising pain at the slightest tackle by the Malaysian players,  it is safe to presume that the Indonesian players will do well on these primetime Indonesian soaps as they have already perfected the art of overacting usually required for these kind of shows.

7) Personal trainers to Indonesian female celebrities. If for no other reason than the fact that during the game the camera crew was smart enough to keep panning out to the hot Indonesian chicks/ celebs in the stands, thereby indicating that there exist a big potential market in this area.

8) Pet food taster. There is no clear reason for this nor does this have anything to do with the Indonesian players and their ball kicking skills.. I just think that this is a super cool job.

9) Reality TV Stars / Professional usesless Celebrities a la the Kardashians. Given the Indonesian supporters vociferous need for creating controversy as apparent by the recent buzz on the Twitterverse coupled with the team’s penchant for drama, the players can definitely have a successful reality show that can give Kim and her whole talentless, slutty  jingbang a run for their money.  Keeping Up with the Garudas ..anyone?

10) Bomoh Indon @ shamans @ individuals who dabble in witchcraft. Since the current set of bomohs have failed in their jampi serapah / spells to help the players pull an upset in the second leg of the finals, perhaps its time to replace the current set of  bomohs with a team who are more well versed in the matters of the darkside, and who better to do this than the players themselves. 🙂  

TOP TEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO CRASH AND BURN

I used to be a huge fan of resolutions! There was always something exhilaratingly empowering about taking charge of your life, setting targets and putting in the efforts to achieve them.

In 1997 I made a resolution to get straight A’s in my PMR exams and requested that my parents give me an all-expenses paid trip to the UK to visit my cousins. God thought it would be fun to give me 1A short of that target. In university, every year from 2000-2006, I made a resolution to get Dean’s List in every semester but that too did not happen as I spent more time educating myself in clubs and movie theatres instead of lecture halls and libraries. In 2009, one of my resolutions included, dating a rockstar. Alas, I ended up dating and breaking up with a tone-deaf loser whose only musical connection was when my bestfriend had a whimsical dream of him basking in Damansara Uptown.

Indeed, life experiences have made me shy away from making resolutions as I have never had the discipline to carry through with them. And when I did in fact try, there were extenuating circumstances that would prevent me from achieving them. But hey ‘C’est la vie! Non?’

As 2010 comes to a close, I find myself once again thinking about resolutions and targets etc. This time around, instead of focusing on losing that three layers of belly fat that seemed to have magically appeared out of no where creating and executing my own resolutions, I have decided to compile a list of things you should not be ‘resolute’ about as they are bound to crash and burn, sooner than you can say “Oh..I am still so hungover from that New Year’s Party!!”

Enjoy!

1) Write beautiful, thought provoking poetry in French when the only French words you know are Oui, Non and Gracias. 😛

2) Get married in style and elegance without having the whole mami jarum clan meddle in all aspects of the preparations… when you are an anak mami from Penang.

3) Learn how to cook 😛 (ok this one applies solely to yours truly)

4) Start going to the gym more often just so that you can catch the attention of your brother’s cute friend who happens to be a health and fitness freak.

5) Release a Billboard Number One pop album when you are an Akademi Fantasia alum tone-deaf and rhythmically-challenged.

6) Quit your job, move to the country side and change your name to Mak Jah, in the hopes of enjoying a calmer quieter life.

7) Pay for Be awarded with a Datukship (like : knighthood) based on the merits of your contributions to society when to the society itself, the biggest contribution you could ever make is to live in solitary confinement or disappear from the face of the Earth.

8 ) Abstain from sex Facebook.

9) Reduce the amount of time spent having sex on Facebook.

10) Tone down your sarcasm and razor sharp wit in your incessant vents and ramblings when you happen to be a menopausal woman. 🙂

TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN APPLYING FOR A JOB

Part of my responsibilities at work include managing the general emails that we receive via the website. While the whole purpose of doing this is to manage and answer all inquiries posted about our services, we have also had to entertain a lot of job applications via the same email (In case you are wondering.. no.. I’m not in Human Resources . Do I look overweight and uptight people-friendly to you? :P). Since I have to suffer the headache of sifting through tons of these kind of applications that continuously flood my inbox, I figured, I might as well share with you some common rules on what NOT to do when applying for a job via email. This way maybe you can spare me the emotional trauma and psychological suffering by not doing any of these things when applying for a job at the greatest happiest place on earth a.k.a the place where I work. Enjoy! 🙂

1. Send an email with the attachment “resumeaku.doc” (myresume.doc) as the file name – Whilst we understand your need to emphasise the fact that it is in fact YOUR resume and not your grandma’s, neighbour’s daughter’s or that hawt stranger you often bump into whilst waiting for the bus’s, anybody else’s, this is actually just TRYING TO HARD. In fact it could backfire and cause us to think that you may actually have something to hide.
2. Send an email with the attachment “PERFECT RESUME.doc” as the file name- Let’s not kid ourselves here. If your resume really is perfect, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
3. Use the email drgangstazz@yahoo.com when applying for the position of Medical Officer – Indeed, we deeply understand that we all now live in a crazy cut-throat world and you may feel the need to put up this tough exterior to survive. Nevertheless, our patients may not necessarily sit well with the idea that their physician is a Doctor AND the Godfather Incarnate at the same time.
4. Use the email hunnybaby88@gmail.com or sweetiegurl_87@hotmail.com or sexybunzz@aol.com for ANY POSITION!! – Do I even have to go into details on this one? 😛
5. Send a cover email as follows, “A’kum, attach kat sini saye punye CV. Tengs..*smiley face*” (Hiyee!! attach here is my CV. Thanks…*Smiley face*)– Okay, so your mami jarum aunty sister works in our Human Resources Department. So you feel that this is good enough to get her attention. So you think that being all informal and acting like you are our long lost friend who used to beat us up at the playground will get you the job. Whatever! Doesn’t work kid! In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if your sister from Human Resources comes back home and screams at you for this! 😛
6. Use a deep red background complete with pink flowers, tiny hearts and butterflies for your CV- Yes, we appreciate the effort. Yes, we think you are extremely creative and can have a successful career as a Singaporean Beauty Pageant Queen , an artiste. But as far as healthcare is concerned, you’re waaaayyy ahead of your time kid!
7. Send an email with the following subject line ” APPLICATION FOR ANY KIND OF VACANCY AT YOUR PLACE/ COMPANY “ – We acknowledge the fact that we now live in an extremely trying economic times where some of you will take any job just to make ends meet. But news flash… WE ARE NOT A JOB RECRUITMENT AGENCY!! If you have no freaking idea of what it is that you wanna do with your life, chances are…we wouldn’t too! 😛
8. Send a generic and mass job application email to enquiries@companya.com.my, marketing@companyb.com, careers@companyc.com..etc..etc.. (well.. u get the picture) simultaneously – Whilst we realise that you may be applying to as many jobs as possible upon graduation, we would STILL like to think that we are special and that you are dying to work for us, ONLY us and no one else! If you really do want a job, it would be in your best interest to humour our qualms and stroke our manbits ego just a little!
9. Send the same job application email eight times within three days!!!– Yes, we can comprehend the urgency and direness of you landing a job ASAP in order to get five pairs of that Paris Hilton sun shades and show off to your friends start being a part of the challenging yet rewarding corporate world. But no, there’s nothing wrong with our IT system. Our computers and emails are working just fine. But oh..congratulations on successfully annoying and insulting us to a point where we are not going to call you at all!
10. Pose in a bright pink bathing suit in the swimming pool and use that as your CV picture- You may have been inspired by Elle Woods of the Legally Blonde franchise. But unfortunately for you, the people going through your application at our organisation are not deprived old men but rather overweight and overzealous middle aged single females who may take extreme offense at your flaunting your young, vibrant and excellent figure in their wrinkly pudgy faces 😛

TEN IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS…LEARNT!

1. When someone provides you with a shoulder to cry on, be careful not to lean too hard or you may end up breaking it and not having that shoulder to turn to anymore.
2. Even the strongest relationships and most powerful of love can fall apart at anytime..you might have just turned  away for a mere second. So always always look.
3. Sometimes things can take a sharp turn and a drastic dive when you don’t see it coming, leaving you dumbfounded and exhausted in trying to keep up. Fear not though.. coz in due time you will catch up.
4. Talking to God helps. More than you realise. Keeping Him in your heart prevents you from going nuts.
5. When things are at their bleakest, the only thing that can keep you going is hope for things to go back to the way they used to be. Having this hope is fine for a while, but eventually you will have to find the strength to go on without it.
6. Everybody can overcome hardships and heal. What would set you apart from the others is the ability to heal without an ounce of bitterness in your heart.
7. Don’t ever let anybody tell you that regret is futile, what is done, is done. Regret is a fantastic thing. Through regret you learn to be more careful. Through regret you refrain from making the same mistakes.
8. When someone tells you that you are beautiful..believe them. They may see you in a way you never realised.
9. Treat people with kindness, compassion and respect. It will make your day more than theirs.
10. Anger and hatred towards another will consume and destroy you and does nothing to the person these emotions are directed to.

If I have been able to learn all of this..then how come it still hurts?

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE DESPERATELY HANGING ON TO YOUR BOYBAND PHASE

Recently I had the unfortunate opportunity to see the Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block performed at the American Music Awards (AMAs). If you need to ask.. no I wasn’t this über cool chick who got tickets to see the awards live. I just happened to tune in to abundant resources via the grand old idiot box. But I digress. Whilst watching the performance, I thought to myself  “OMG!! Nick Carter I love you arrggghhhhh!!!  “Geez … I can’t believe I was once a huge teenybopper fan .. and gawwdd.. they look so old!!”

Of course when I did in fact have the time to think about it, I realise that I was a big part of the boyband fandom when I was a geeky overweight awkward adolescent  in my teens and I am now a sophisticated (??) and mature career woman who is nearing the end of her twenties. Simply put.. my obsession with boybands happened a real long time ago..before the world was shocked with the events of September 11, before the advent of Facebook (the coolest thing we had back then was mIRC32…say what??!), iPhones or iPods (you could still purchase your  NKOTB albums in cassettes) and when blackberries were just tasty juicy pieces of fruits.

Having said all that, watching the performance did in fact bring back old memories of singing along to the catchy lyrics in the school bus, dancing to the rhythmic beats during school performances and just being a self absorbed  teenager with not much care in the world.

Yes reminiscing is fun and I gotta admit that those songs are still catchy and addictive years down the road. I am still hearing the catchphrase “Backstreet’s Back alright!” ringing in my ears days after the AMAs :P.  Having said that, I know many people who may have gotten too attached to the boyband era and as a result have refused to grow up and let go.

Below are some examples.

1. You still sign your name “Joyah Carter” or “Senah Timberlake” on loan and job application forms.
2. You don’t speak to your younger teenage sister for days coz she “chose” the Jonas brother that you like first. 
3. You only sing Backstreet Boys and NSync songs at your company’s karaoke gatherings. 
4. You have the birthdates of your favourite boybanders saved on your company’s Blackberry to remind you to send teddybears and flowers to their official fan club address.
5. In clubs… you enjoy showing off your killer moves derived from the “Backstreet’s Back” video 😛 
6. You get into a heated and emotional argument with people who said that the Backstreet Boys, Boyzone and New Kids on the Block should drop the “Boy” and “Kid” monikers from their names as they are now OLD men. 
7. You shamelessly ask for the new NKOTB album for your 29th Birthday!!
8. You are the only one in your circle of friends who doesn’t think that Nick Carter is a pathethic mess of a has been.
9. You start a nationwide petition asking Take That to beg Robbie William to be a part of their reunion concert and album and you succeeded.
10. You start skipping lunch to save money for front row tickets and to look slim and superb when you found out that 911 is holding a comeback concert in Singapore.

 If you continue to exhibit any of these signs in your late 50s  well into your 20s, I would advise you to please burn your copies of Top of The Pops and Teen Beat (with that super cute JT pin up), flush all your cassettes and CDs in the toilet and get psychiatric help immediately.  

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE BEEN SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME AT THE OFFICE

For those of you who know me well, you will definitely know that I work extremely long hours. I can’t complain though since it’s not like I have a life anyways coz the pay is pretty decent. And I am sure that I am not the only one in this crazy world to do so though. However, some of you may not realise that you too may have been overworked and underpaid . Now, being the “expert” in this arena, allow me to share some tell-tale signs on whether you have been spending waayyy too much time at the office…like me. Maybe someday we can all sit down over coffee and bitch about our crazy bosses share our challenging career experiences 🙂

1. The first time you leave office when there is still daylight..you missed your car at its designated parking lot as you can’t remember what it looks like under the sun
    
2. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? Hah! Not only do you know what it means.. your face is right next to the definition in the American Medical Journal
    
3. You call the McD delivery hotline, recognise the operator’s voice and ask about his kids
4. Likewise, the McD delivery hotline operator picks up the phone, recognises your voice and rattles off your “Big Mac extra cheese, no pickle, lots of ketchup and strawberry milkshake” order before you can even say ” I would like  a….” 
5. You answer your mobile phone with “XYZ communications..(*insert company name here) how may I assist you?” 
6. The last time you saw your wife..she WAS STILL pregnant
    
7. You have a spare set of towels, clothes and toiletries in the house in case you have to stay back at home
    
8. You have paperclips, post- it-notes, and a stapler in your handbag instead of lipstick, foundation and perfume
9. You spend alot of time chilling, pouring your heart out and sharing your deepest most intimate secrets with your best friend… the tea lady!!! 
10. Whilst trying to leave on time for once, the boss looked at you, looked at his watch, did a double take and say “Hmm.. on half day aren’t we?”

TEN EASY TIPS TO LOSE WEIGHT

Over the past few years I’ve been going to the gym off and on and have had my weight fluctuate more than the share prices at Bursa KL. In spite of the fact that I’m going through a fat phase at the moment, I am most certain that I will go through another round of psychotic behaviour which will make me lose all of it again soon.. someday.. when pigs can fly on their own accord, real soon. Regardless, I still feel compelled to share with you the tips and tricks to my once success story of being uber hot and slim.. so enjoy!!

1. Nasi lemak rendang ayam is NOT a wholesome healthy breakfast!!
2. Gym: a place where you actually have to work out to burn calories, not a place to hang around and drool over hot, toned, athletic men.
3. Drooling over hot, toned, athletic men is not exercise and does not burn any calories.
4. Reducing 1 McDonald’s meal a week is not “going on a diet”!!
5. Yes.. eating those pieces of Belgium chocolates that your friend bought from Europe because you didn’t have the heart to turn away his kind offer.. does add the pounds!!
6. There IS such a thing as tasty healthy food!
7. Having said that.. if it tastes awful.. chances are its good for u!
8. SEX is NOT the only exercise you need..
9. You CAN see a person’s figure in the dark.. clearly at times.
10. If you feel that your ass is too big for your face.. it probably is.

CLUBBING 101

repulsiverina’s guide to a nocturnal life of fun and adventure!!

Over the last couple of years ..I have become an avid clubber of sorts.. swaggering in and out of clubs (posh or otherwise) faster than you can say “Hilang mana pompuan gedik nih..” “What’s your plan Saturday night?”

Given my vast experience on the subject matter, I feel compelled to share with you my favourite sacred list of “observations” that will guarantee you a night of fun and adventure!!

Enjoy!

1. Hotness – refers to your sensuality and desirability ratings to members of the opposite (and in some instances/clubs similar) sex..NOT your average body temperature and sweating capacity

2. ID – being asked for one when you are obviously above 21 is an insult..being asked for one when you are obviously above 21 (but not so obviously) above 25 is a compliment!!

3. Rubbing your crotch against a chic’s back on the dance floor is neither sexy nor seductive and WILL NOT get you laid 😛

4. If a huge tray of shots seemed to have mysteriously appeared on your table.. chances are your mate BOUGHT them!

5. No matter how hard u try to work it, a bright red boob tube on a huge pot belly coupled with a purple floral pleated skirt with ruffles and a laced- up black and white wedges IS NOT FASHIONABLE!!

6. NO.. you do not have to wear Kesatria-Baja-Hitam-Paris-Hilton-styled shades in a club..the place was darkened and filled with bright blinking lights for a reason.. 😛

7. Unbuttoning a guy’s shirt after meeting him for two seconds just because he is German..is NOT cool!! And never will be..

8. If you suddenly discovered that the turntablist of the night is your friend..it is polite to stick around and pretend to enjoy at least a couple of sets..no matter how crappy unsuitable the music is for you.

9. Having the lead singer of a band single you out for a dance -VERY FLATTERING. Having the same lead singer later approach your table, buys you a drink and tells you that you bear an uncanny resemblance to his dead ex girlfriend in a thick Indonesian buruh kontrak accent -NOT FLATTERING AT ALL!!

10. Galliano Shots – avoid at ALL cost! Failure to take heed may result in temporary amnesia, severe loss of coordination, total shut down of bodily functions, lack of emotional control, lavatory-induced slumber spells and waking up in the deserted home of a mid-thirties widower.

 

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TOP TEN JOB INTERVIEW Q & A DON’TS

1. SCENARIO 1

• Interviewer : Hello.. good afternoon. Okay Ms Repulsive, why don’t you start by telling us a little bit about your self
• You : My name is repulsiverina but you can call me Baby or Darling coz that’s what my mom calls me. Oh..you can also call me Bootylicious coz that’s what my boyfriend calls me coz hey! Take a load of this junk in my trunk! (*stands up and turns around to demonstrate)
  

2. SCENARIO 2

• Interviewer : Why should we hire you?
• You : Well… let’s see, I am smart, driven, compassionate, possess strong work ethics, able to meet crazy deadlines and oh..if you don’t hire me, I may just be forced to kill you!  

3. SCENARIO 3

• Interviewer : So.. why did you leave your last job?
• You : (*Looks around conspiciously, turns and softly whispers*) Don’t tell anyone but my former boss is an alien from Planet Zirgon who has been sent down to Earth to spy on us before his entire race come over and invade our planet. I caught on to his dirty little secret and I swear to God I’ll expose him to the world when the time comes!!  

4. SCENARIO 4

• Interviewer : What was the biggest challenge you have ever had to face in your career?
• You : I once had to convince the President of my former company that I was just looking for my fallen contacts..when he barged into the VP’s room whilst I was kneeling on the floor…under the table..with my VP’s belt buckle in my mouth…

5. SCENARIO 5

• Interviewer : What are the special skills you possess that will make you excel at this job?
• You : Umm..its not listed in my resume.. but if you lock the door and draw the blinds..I can show you…
  

6. SCENARIO 6

• Interviewer : So..tell us..what are your long term career aspirations?
• You : Career. asspp..asspp what? I’m just here to meet the hot men in your brochures!
  

7. SCENARIO 7

• Interviewer : What are your expectations from this position?
• You : I expect to be able to save enough money to purchase an electric guitar, start a band, join battle of the band, win the battle, get a record deal, release an album and go on a worldwide tour.

8. SCENARIO 8

• Interviewer : Tell us about your academic and professional qualifications …
• You : Hah! I think education is overrated! But does being a professional female mud wrestler count?
  

9. SCENARIO 9

• Interviewer : Have you ever held a leadership role in any organisation?
• You : Yes. I am currently spearheading a notorious criminal empire on Mafia Wars. 

10. SCENARIO 10

• Interviewer : Do you have any questions?
• You : Yes. Are you going to eat that (*points to half eaten sandwich on interviewer’s table)

TOP TEN THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T BLOG ABOUT

Part of the fun in blogging is bitching about the aging bimbo with the five-inch make up at work finding new things to write about. At times ideas can come to you whilst you are pretending to pay attention in that ridiculously long and boring meeting going about your daily mundane tasks. At times it can flow freely like the diarrhea you suffered after eating that spicy chicken curry at your mother in law’s home. Whilst at others you could be inspired by the boastful lies amazing adventures of the crazy friend of a friend’s who you met at a party.

Indeed there are a gazillion things to blog about as reflected by the gazillion number of blogs out there. In all the time that I have been blogging and blog hopping at the office instead of finishing up work I have come to think about the things you should actually refrain from blogging about. Here are some examples.

1. The effective ways to boost blog traffic when your blog receives an average of 3 hits per week!

2. Gosip liar Mak Kiah di kampung.

3. What you had for dinner (when it starts with ‘instant’ and ends with ‘noodles)’.

4. Your grandmother’s famous technique of preparing and folding her juleps (sireh).

5. The things and places your cats have peed on.

6. The 167th pair of Jimmy Choo’s that you bought ..in your 167th post.

7. Swear words / curses you have successfully taught your two-year old.

8. The super friendly cockroaches in your house, their daily activities and what you have named them.

9. Your hubby’s cocktail dress collection and how he wears them, whenever he has the whimsical urge to cross dress.

10. Menopausal females who haven’t gotten some in ages and why you shouldn’t name your pets after them.