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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE BEEN SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME AT THE OFFICE

November 29, 2010

For those of you who know me well, you will definitely know that I work extremely long hours. I can’t complain though since it’s not like I have a life anyways coz the pay is pretty decent. And I am sure that I am not the only one in this crazy world to do so though. However, some of you may not realise that you too may have been overworked and underpaid . Now, being the “expert” in this arena, allow me to share some tell-tale signs on whether you have been spending waayyy too much time at the office…like me. Maybe someday we can all sit down over coffee and bitch about our crazy bosses share our challenging career experiences 🙂

  1. The first time you leave office when there is still daylight..you missed your car at its designated parking lot as you can’t remember what it looks like under the sun
     
  2. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? Hah! Not only do you know what it means.. your face is right next to the definition in the American Medical Journal
     
  3. You call the McD delivery hotline, recognise the operator’s voice and ask about his kids
  4. Likewise, the McD delivery hotline operator picks up the phone, recognises your voice and rattles off your “Big Mac extra cheese, no pickle, lots of ketchup and strawberry milkshake” order before you can even say ” I would like  a….” 
  5. You answer your mobile phone with “XYZ communications..(*insert company name here) how may I assist you?” 
  6. The last time you saw your wife..she WAS STILL pregnant
     
  7. You have a spare set of towels, clothes and toiletries in the house in case you have to stay back at home
     
  8. You have paperclips, post- it-notes, and a stapler in your handbag instead of lipstick, foundation and perfume
  9. You spend alot of time chilling, pouring your heart out and sharing your deepest most intimate secrets with your best friend… the tea lady!!! 
  10. Whilst trying to leave on time for once, the boss looked at you, looked at his watch, did a double take and say “Hmm.. on half day aren’t we?”
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TEN EASY TIPS TO LOSE WEIGHT

November 22, 2010

Over the past few years I’ve been going to the gym off and on and have had my weight fluctuate more than the share prices at Bursa KL. In spite of the fact that I’m going through a fat phase at the moment, I am most certain that I will go through another round of psychotic behaviour which will make me lose all of it again soon.. someday.. when pigs can fly on their own accord, real soon. Regardless, I still feel compelled to share with you the tips and tricks to my once success story of being uber hot and slim.. so enjoy!!

  1. Nasi lemak rendang ayam is NOT a wholesome healthy breakfast!!
  2. Gym: a place where you actually have to work out to burn calories, not a place to hang around and drool over hot, toned, athletic men.
  3. Drooling over hot, toned, athletic men is not exercise and does not burn any calories.
  4. Reducing 1 McDonald’s meal a week is not “going on a diet”!!
  5. Yes.. eating those pieces of Belgium chocolates that your friend bought from Europe because you didn’t have the heart to turn away his kind offer.. does add the pounds!!
  6. There IS such a thing as tasty healthy food!
  7. Having said that.. if it tastes awful.. chances are its good for u!
  8. SEX is NOT the only exercise you need..
  9. You CAN see a person’s figure in the dark.. clearly at times.
  10. If you feel that your ass is too big for your face.. it probably is.
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CLUBBING 101

November 19, 2010

repulsiverina’s guide to a nocturnal life of fun and adventure!!

Over the last couple of years ..I have become an avid clubber of sorts.. swaggering in and out of clubs (posh or otherwise) faster than you can say “Hilang mana pompuan gedik nih..” “What’s your plan Saturday night?”

Given my vast experience on the subject matter, I feel compelled to share with you my favourite sacred list of “observations” that will guarantee you a night of fun and adventure!!

Enjoy!

1. Hotness – refers to your sensuality and desirability ratings to members of the opposite (and in some instances/clubs similar) sex..NOT your average body temperature and sweating capacity

2. ID – being asked for one when you are obviously above 21 is an insult..being asked for one when you are obviously above 21 (but not so obviously) above 25 is a compliment!!

3. Rubbing your crotch against a chic’s back on the dance floor is neither sexy nor seductive and WILL NOT get you laid 😛

4. If a huge tray of shots seemed to have mysteriously appeared on your table.. chances are your mate BOUGHT them!

5. No matter how hard u try to work it, a bright red boob tube on a huge pot belly coupled with a purple floral pleated skirt with ruffles and a laced- up black and white wedges IS NOT FASHIONABLE!!

6. NO.. you do not have to wear Kesatria-Baja-Hitam-Paris-Hilton-styled shades in a club..the place was darkened and filled with bright blinking lights for a reason.. 😛

7. Unbuttoning a guy’s shirt after meeting him for two seconds just because he is German..is NOT cool!! And never will be..

8. If you suddenly discovered that the turntablist of the night is your friend..it is polite to stick around and pretend to enjoy at least a couple of sets..no matter how crappy unsuitable the music is for you.

9. Having the lead singer of a band single you out for a dance -VERY FLATTERING. Having the same lead singer later approach your table, buys you a drink and tells you that you bear an uncanny resemblance to his dead ex girlfriend in a thick Indonesian buruh kontrak accent -NOT FLATTERING AT ALL!!

10. Galliano Shots – avoid at ALL cost! Failure to take heed may result in temporary amnesia, severe loss of coordination, total shut down of bodily functions, lack of emotional control, lavatory-induced slumber spells and waking up in the deserted home of a mid-thirties widower.

 

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TOP TEN JOB INTERVIEW Q & A DON’TS

November 18, 2010

1. SCENARIO 1

  • Interviewer : Hello.. good afternoon. Okay Ms Repulsive, why don’t you start by telling us a little bit about your self
  • You : My name is repulsiverina but you can call me Baby or Darling coz that’s what my mom calls me. Oh..you can also call me Bootylicious coz that’s what my boyfriend calls me coz hey! Take a load of this junk in my trunk! (*stands up and turns around to demonstrate)

2. SCENARIO 2

  • Interviewer : Why should we hire you?
  • You : Well… let’s see, I am smart, driven, compassionate, possess strong work ethics, able to meet crazy deadlines and oh..if you don’t hire me, I may just be forced to kill you!  

3. SCENARIO 3

  • Interviewer : So.. why did you leave your last job?
  • You : (*Looks around conspiciously, turns and softly whispers*) Don’t tell anyone but my former boss is an alien from Planet Zirgon who has been sent down to Earth to spy on us before his entire race come over and invade our planet. I caught on to his dirty little secret and I swear to God I’ll expose him to the world when the time comes!!  

4. SCENARIO 4

  • Interviewer : What was the biggest challenge you have ever had to face in your career?
  • You : I once had to convince the President of my former company that I was just looking for my fallen contacts..when he barged into the VP’s room whilst I was kneeling on the floor…under the table..with my VP’s belt buckle in my mouth…

5. SCENARIO 5

  • Interviewer : What are the special skills you possess that will make you excel at this job?
  • You : Umm..its not listed in my resume.. but if you lock the door and draw the blinds..I can show you…

6. SCENARIO 6

  • Interviewer : So..tell us..what are your long term career aspirations?
  • You : Career. asspp..asspp what? I’m just here to meet the hot men in your brochures!

7. SCENARIO 7

  • Interviewer : What are your expectations from this position?
  • You : I expect to be able to save enough money to purchase an electric guitar, start a band, join battle of the band, win the battle, get a record deal, release an album and go on a worldwide tour.

8. SCENARIO 8

  • Interviewer : Tell us about your academic and professional qualifications …
  • You : Hah! I think education is overrated! But does being a professional female mud wrestler count?

9. SCENARIO 9

  • Interviewer : Have you ever held a leadership role in any organisation?
  • You : Yes. I am currently spearheading a notorious criminal empire on Mafia Wars. 

10. SCENARIO 10

  • Interviewer : Do you have any questions?
  • You : Yes. Are you going to eat that (*points to half eaten sandwich on interviewer’s table)

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TOP TEN THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T BLOG ABOUT

November 18, 2010

Part of the fun in blogging is bitching about the aging bimbo with the five-inch make up at work finding new things to write about. At times ideas can come to you whilst you are pretending to pay attention in that ridiculously long and boring meeting going about your daily mundane tasks. At times it can flow freely like the diarrhea you suffered after eating that spicy chicken curry at your mother in law’s home. Whilst at others you could be inspired by the boastful lies amazing adventures of the crazy friend of a friend’s who you met at a party.

Indeed there are a gazillion things to blog about as reflected by the gazillion number of blogs out there. In all the time that I have been blogging and blog hopping at the office instead of finishing up work I have come to think about the things you should actually refrain from blogging about. Here are some examples.

1. The effective ways to boost blog traffic when your blog receives an average of 3 hits per week!

2. Gosip liar Mak Kiah di kampung.

3. What you had for dinner (when it starts with ‘instant’ and ends with ‘noodles)’.

4. Your grandmother’s famous technique of preparing and folding her juleps (sireh).

5. The things and places your cats have peed on.

6. The 167th pair of Jimmy Choo’s that you bought ..in your 167th post.

7. Swear words / curses you have successfully taught your two-year old.

8. The super friendly cockroaches in your house, their daily activities and what you have named them.

9. Your hubby’s cocktail dress collection and how he wears them, whenever he has the whimsical urge to cross dress.

10. Menopausal females who haven’t gotten some in ages and why you shouldn’t name your pets after them.

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TOP TEN ADVICE TO GIVE YOUR KID BROTHER/ NEPHEW WHEN HE BECOMES THE SCHOOL PREFECT

November 16, 2010

I actually wrote this post over two years ago, when I was still young and extremely hot first started blogging. Back then, my then 9-year old nephew was made the school prefect. Next year he will be turning 12 and last week he just got the news that not only has he been retained as prefect but he has also been made the Head Boy! 🙂 I am so proud of him I feel like doing the funky chicken routine at his school assembly during his swearing in / inauguration ceremony.

Anyways, I digress. In addition to migrating most of my valuable old content to this new platform, this post has become sorta relevant again in light of recent developments. So here goes….

Being a former notorious successful prefect myself in my primary school days, I’ve compiled a list of tips to give him and also for you to give to your kid brother/ nephew etc in order to make them naughty but macho and cool outstandingly moral prefects. Enjoy…

  1. Head prefect = authority = power = ability to extort other kids’ lunch money with ease 

  2. For as long as you look super innocent and do well in class… you can challenge the naughtiest kid in school to a fight and get away with it 

  3. You CAN challenge the same kid to a fight during school and STILL get away with it 

  4. Toy guns and toy cuffs CANNOT be used in reprimanding the baddies the naughty kids!! 

  5. If you are going to bring your PSP/ Gameboy to school, make sure you are privy to the spot check dates. 

  6. If your dad/grandpa is going to embarrass you by proudly telling kids in school that you are a prefect when he drops you off in the morning…. its better to walk.. or take the bus!! 

  7. No one would believe the big fat notorious kid if he reports you to the Principal. so yeah.. go ahead and beat the crap out of the moron! 

  8. If caught..you are not playing truant/ gallivanting about school, instead, you have willingly sacrificed part of your education time for the sake of safeguarding the peace and sanctity of the masses. 

  9. 9 out of 10 girls find boys in ties and prefect badges ultra sexy..so go ahead and ask her out 🙂 

  10. Official Prefect Duty : can range from asking a good prefect friend next door for drinks during BM period to skipping PJ for an “important meeting”, use it freely without guilt…:)
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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE WAY OVER DUE IN THE LOONEY BIN

November 15, 2010

I don’t really have much of an intro for this one so you are spared my usual incoherent ramblings..(yippedidoo I hear you say). In any case, I would  just like to say that if you notice any of these symptoms puhleesseee.. I am begging you.. for the sake and sanity of the people around you.. get yourself checked in to the furthest mental institution from the rest of the population that you could find and don’t bother checking out.. better yet.. just ask them to throw away the keys into a volcano! 😛

1) You think you are the most googled person on earth when you are neither Britney Spears nor Lady Gaga.

2) You go around telling people that you were discovered in a club to start a career in  a seedy B-grade stripper joint public relations because apparently the idiot expert that discovered you thought that you had what it takes judging from the slutty way you were gyrating to rich old horny men professional way you carried yourself and interacted with others.

3) You seem to have it in your head that you are a major celebrity just because you paid to be on the cover of Majalah Mangga some random obscure magazine using your father’s company’s money.

4) You don’t leave home without your five-inch make up even when just walking out to pick up your laundry at the front lawn.

5) You think hospitals can afford many MRI machines- one for each part of the body (oh wait.. that’s not really crazy that’s just dumb! Nevermind….)

6) At 50, you sincerely believe with all your heart that a highly accomplished professional 80-year old lady hates your freaking guts because you are way younger and hotter than she is.

7) You tell people that you are a Datin without ever being married to a Dato’.

8) You wear a huge bowl of cereal fruits on your head and think you are a fashionista that can give Victoria Beckham a run for her stilettos.

9) You think you are well suited to lead a huge corporation just because you were once tasked with the monumental responsibility of holding on to the teacher’s gigantic ruler and slamming the palms of those who made noise in class when you were in kindergarten.

10) You get your panties in a bunch when people blog about cats.